Ethical Non-Monogamy Glossary: Common Terms Explained

Written By: Andreanna Barley, LMFT-Associate, LPC-Associate

While also being a broad alternative relationship structure without a specific or defined rulebook, the world of ethical Non-Monogamy comes with many new terms and concepts unfamiliar to broader society and newbies in practice. While understanding every term and concept is not necessary for practicing good ethical non-monogamy, knowing some basics can be helpful to explain certain dynamics, experiences, or issues, as well as to have a shared language with other non-monogamous folks. This is in no way an exhaustive list, but some general terms that both my clients and other clinicians may find useful.

Types of Non-Monogamy

Ethical or Consensual Non-Monogamy (ENM or CNM)

This is the broad umbrella term for any kind of relationship structure outside the scope of monogamy (usually defined as an exclusive romantic/sexual relationship between two people). A notable distinction of adding the ethical or consensual piece is that all parties involved are aware and in agreement of this type of relationship, which differentiates it from “cheating”. All the other terms below fall within this scope.

Polyamory

Polyamory is a type of ENM relationship style which specifically includes the orientation and ability for multiple romantic, sexual, and emotionally intimate relationships. Falling in love, being committed, and building emotional intimacy with multiple individuals is a dimension of polyamory that sets it apart from most other styles of nonmonogamy.

Open relationship

An open relationship is a couple that is open to either or both of the members having sexual or romantic relationships with other people. However, usually open relationships inherently privilege the couple as the primary committed emotional connection and other connections remain more casual or sex-based.

Swinging

Usually swinging takes place with couples connecting with other couples for sex based play or activities. Oftentimes swinging is exclusive to parties, events, or clubs with both partners present and consensually exploring with others, whether individually or together. Sex is the primary component of swinging, usually limiting any emotional component.

Monogamish

This term was created by Dan Savage, a queer columnist and podcaster. It defines a relationship that is mostly monogamous, with some level of flexibility outside exclusive monogamous constructs. Examples of this could include space for the occasional casual hookup, kissing others at parties, or sex with others while traveling apart.

Figure 1: different area structure of nonmonogamy adapted from Polysecure by Jessica Fern, 2022. Figure reproduced with author’s permission.

Relational Structures

Hierarchical polyamory

Hierarchical polyamory has inherent power structures delineating different levels of power, priority, or agency within different relationships. Usually in hierarchical polyamory, one relationship (often called the primary) is prioritized above others. This can look like prioritized scheduling, shared goals put before other relationships, some level of exclusivity reserved to the primary relationship, among other things. It is widely debated whether hierarchical polyamory can truly be ethical, as the other relationships (often called secondary or even tertiary) are limited in scope, agency, and development, which can inherently be hurtful to others. However, some argue that structuring hierarchy can be important to protect certain shared responsibilities such as child-rearing, resource sharing, mutual investments, or caregiving. However, there are also arguments that these shared responsibilities can be protected without defaulting to hierarchy.

Prescriptive vs Descriptive hierarchies

Within the topic of hierarchy, there are concepts of prescriptive and descriptive hierarchies. Prescriptive hierarchy is an agreement made by the primary couple that their hierarchy status is explicit, and all other and future relationships developing further will automatically hold lower sway and power. Descriptive hierarchy is more fluid to future changes and acknowledges that current power differentials between relationships are flexible. For example, a couple raising young children together may need their relationship to be the primary focus as they participate in child-rearing. As the kids get older and need less care, energy and space may emerge for other relationships to increase in investment and priority.

Non-hierarchical polyamory

Non-hierarchical polyamory operates under the idea that no relationship is inherently more important than any other. Each individual in any relationship is allowed to have equal power, and relationships are allowed to naturally grow and evolve without structurally imposed limitations of hierarchy. Non-hierarchy is often praised as the most ethical way to structure polyamory, but may be more challenging to practice.

Solo polyamory

This approach to polyamory emphasizes personal agency and freedom. Solo-poly people tend to choose to have more independence as an individual and less identification as a member of a couple. Some ways this can show up is choosing not to cohabitate with a partner, or choosing not to share finances, resources, or investments. However, solo-poly people can still be deeply committed to and emotionally invested with their partners.

Relationship anarchy (RA)

Relationship anarchy is a philosophy applying anarchist principles to relationships. This type of relational style emphasizes deconstructing societal hierarchies that typically prioritize romantic or sexual relationships over other kinds of relationships. RA rejects rigid definitions and assumptions for how relationships form and function. Instead, this style emphasizes the freedom to allow relationships to develop with the greatest amount of intentionality and authenticity for all involved. The Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord can be used to outline the different dimensions that relationships can include.

Polyfidelity

A form of polyamorous relationship in which all members of the relationship agree to exclusivity with each other. The dynamic is structurally closed and not open to new connections.

Kitchen table polyamory (KTP)

This style of polyamory involves all members of the polycule being on generally friendly terms with each other, calling to mind the image of everyone being able to sit around the table together. Metamours in this style of polyamory would often consider themselves friends and have independent relationships with each other outside of their shared partner. KTP is often idealized as the “best” version of polyamory, but this dynamic may not be right for everyone. The ability of KTP to work depends of many factors including the commitment, desires, and general compatibility of all the parties involved.

Garden party polyamory

In this style of polyamory, all members of the polycule are on cordial terms with each other, but not necessarily friendly. It is characterized as coming together to support a common partner for significant events, without more intimate or regular engagement. This is the style between KTP and parallel (below).

Parallel polyamory

This structure of polyamory often involves an individual having mostly separate relational dynamics between their partners. This includes limiting information, engagement, and shared events. Parallel polyamory can work well when metamours don’t get along, or for individuals who have relationships in very different locations. It can also be challenging, as the shared partner might feel they are having to limit huge aspects of their life.

Emotional/Relational Dynamics

New relationship energy (NRE)

Also known as the honeymoon phase, NRE is characterized as a burst of excitement, passion, and attraction with a new relationship. It’s the fun and dizzying period often including frequent sex, and thinking about and wanting to be with a new partner all the time. NRE is a lot of fun, but can be destabilizing to existing relationships if it is not managed intentionally.

Hinge

The partner with two separate relationships, emphasis on navigating the balance between each relationship

Metamour

A metamour is the partner of one’s partner

Polycule

Larger varied relationship structure containing all the members of a polyamorous community, including involved partners and their metamours

Nesting partner

The partner that one lives with. This relationship does not have to be inherently hierarchical in nature, but a descriptive hierarchy is commonly formed due to shared resources.

Anchor partner

An attachment based partnership, often including such features as building a life together, higher levels of emotional intimacy, shared goals, or future planning. This is also not inherently hierarchical, but can easily take on a descriptive hierarchical structure due to the deeper investment and commitment.

Comet partner

A partner with often sporadic and irregular involvement, often due to time, energy, or proximity limitations. Comets can be deeply intimate relationships, when they connect, but these relationships may not feature daily upkeep.

V-type/triad/quad

Relationship configurations: a V is structures with a hinge partner and two metamours that are not in a relationship.

A triad is a relational structure with 3 partners who are all in relationships with each other.

A quad most often is structured as two Vs together, in which a partner has two partners who are both dating another partner.

Couple’s privilege

Couple’s privilege is a set of privileges often afforded to couples based on intrinsic structures as well as societal values. Some examples include a “plus one” on a wedding invitation, value ascribed to being partnered over “single”, assumed access to partner’s family for holidays or events, and general assumed hierarchy to a couple who lives together. For those wishing to practice non-hierarchical polyamory, couple’s privilege must be consistently checked to make sure that newer partners actually have an equal say in their relationships.

Veto Power

This is a concept specific to hierarchical relationships, in which a primary partner has the power to tell their partner to end a relationship with a person lower in the hierarchy. Veto power is very controversial and widely considered to be unethical as it can be very painful.

Polysaturation

The experience of being relationally “full”, not having the emotional or energetic bandwidth to accept or explore new relationships. Polysaturation can feel different for everyone, and be different at different times in people’s lives.

Relationship escalator

This is the societal norm dictating hetero and mononormative relational development. Generally includes a trajectory involving meeting, courtship, increasing levels of physical and emotional intimacy, greater levels of commitment and resource sharing. This eventually leads to centering of the relationship and couple identity, including moving in together, marriage, and children. While few poly or ENM relationships follow the relationship escalator completely, its standards have widespread impacts that are challenging to deconstruct or integrate into such alternative relationship structures.

The Relationship Escalator